My Victim Impact Statement to my father who thought it was ok to use me for his pleasures. I am a survivor of incest by my adopted father.
"Dad, you used me for your own
pleasure, at first starting out small, touching and fondling me, then
probing your fingers inside of me. Oh how I hated what you did, but I
kept quiet because I was afraid if I said anything I wouldn't be
believed. Why? Why did you do this to me? Was it because you
knew I wouldn't say anything, knowing I was a very quiet solemn, child, afraid
to use my voice, you took advantage of that to use me for your f**king
pleasure. Why couldn't you just be the dad who gave me the love that I
never experienced by my mom. You loved me yes, you took me fishing all
the time and I loved that, these were happy times that I enjoyed doing
with you. but then there was that evil side to you, who took advantage
of my naivety, who climbed into bed with me after I cried when I was
about 5, because I thought there was bee in my room. You came in a
said it was a mosquito, then said, " Ill stay with you until you fall
asleep." You laid behind me and wrapped you large hands around me, I
remember so well how much I hated feeling you against me rubbing
yourself against me, then finally after making some sounds you stopped.
I had no clue as to why. All I knew is I hated it, It didn't feel
right to me.
Why? These whys I know I will never have the
answers to, because you are now dead. You were the only one who
showed me love, but dad it was the wrong kind of love. As I got older
you became more aggressive, forcing me to lay on the couch while you
kissed and touched me all over. Then there was the horrible
degrading, ugly things that you did, forcing me to have anal sex with
you. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT WAS, ALL I KNEW WAS THAT IT HURT SO
MUCH. Remembering this hurts me now. It was like you were a "Jekyll
and Hyde, I HATED WHAT YOU DID.
No one came to my rescue
because they didn't know, everyone thought you were the perfect father
and husband, kind, loving towards everyone. If I had told who would have
believed me? NO ONE..So I stayed quiet, pretending that everything was
ok, but on the inside I was dying, feeling so ashamed, guilty because I
thought it was something I did, that I was at fault. You weren't
suppose to touch me you weren't suppose to hurt me, you were suppose to
be my dad. You were suppose to love me as your daughter, NOT you're
play thing. Memories go back as young as 2, but all I know is that
something happened, something that was not right.
this inside of me for 45 years, until I got up the nerve to finally tell
someone, then my healing began. You didn't know or mom why I was in
the hospital 2 times once for 4 months and once for 2 months. You thought it was
because of your granddaughter, when she gave us so much trouble, but it
wasn't dad IT WAS YOU!!!! YOU PUT ME THERE, YOU MADE ME SUICIDAL, TAKING
STUPID TYLENOL FOR A YEAR, YOU DID IT.
If only I could have told
you, but I couldn't, I was to quiet, I had no voice. This is where the
abuser wins but guess what. I NOW HAVE A VOICE AND I WILL NOT LET
ABUSERS WIN, I WILL BE THE VOICE FOR OTHER CHILDREN SO THAT THIS DOESN'T
HAPPEN TO THEM!!!"