I am struggling with getting angry inside myself to express my feelings of what my abusers did to me. I need to release this anger and not hold it in. But it is something that is very hard for me to do. I have just started to try screaming, and even though I thought it was loud, it probably could have been louder. Doing this I actually felt like I am betraying or disrespecting my parents.
Anger holds us prisoner, sometimes it can consume us so much that we can't really find our happiness. On the outside it looks like we are fine, have reached the top, but in reality, we are still struggling inside ourselves.
I have tried to for-go this struggle with anger, tried to shrug it off, but you know, it just never goes away. Deep down in the pit of your stomach it sits. Waiting for an eruption to come.
I was always taught and told to be quiet, and only speak if spoken to. Heaven help me if I raised my voice, because then there would be a slap coming. So, I held everything in. All my thoughts were mine, I couldn't share them with anyone. How many times I wished I could share them, but I was too afraid. My Grandma (on my mother's side) was the only one I felt that cared for me. She gave me hugs, she told me she loved me, but I couldn't share my thoughts with her, I was too afraid. My anger stayed inside and has never been expressed much, even today, yes I can get angry, but not in the sense where using it makes me feel any better, it just makes me feel worse. So again I hold it inside.
We get caught up in our lives and don't give ourselves time to see that we need to be there for ourselves. I have never really been there for me. Always there for someone else, and I like that, I like to be able to help others. But I need to step back, and look at me, and see that I am important to myself. This is something that is very hard for me to handle. I was never important, and even today, I still feel that way deep inside.
I feel what I do is important to help others, but that's about it. Helping myself is hard, but by going to therapy, that I did do for myself, because I wanted all the garbage gone, so I guess this is one part that is left that I need to work at, until another part comes up.
Mary Graziano ©
July 20, 2013